Imaginal Goo

Once again, I’ve taken a long break from blogging. In the past, that’s usually meant I’ve been stomped flat by an increase in pain and misery from this mysterious illnesses. And while I have continued that dance, mostly I’ve been on a body/mind/spirit sabbatical. Literally.

I feel like I’m in a cocoon, where I’ve recently learned that the baby butterfly (larvae) literally disintegrates itself into goo before it reconstitutes into the fabulous flying creature it is meant to become. Some texts call the cocoon a “resting” stage.

That’s one way to look at it.

What’s really going on is that miraculous transformation where “imaginal disk” cells, now goo, somehow know how to metamorphasize into legs, wings, antennae, etc. in a process that is truly the stuff of dreams and mystical stories. Eventually what will chew it’s it’s way out of that “resting” cocoon is a transformed being, with colorful wings that will soar free into the sky, pollinating and laying eggs, creating more life and beauty.

I am really, really looking forward to flying. But right now, I’m goo.

It all started in February when I decided I needed to get away. By myself. After considering lots of options, including Las Vegas (the very nice woman from the travel agency’s best deal was at a Hooters Hotel… “It isn’t that bad,” she insisted. “Just last month I sent a bunch of little old ladies there and they had a blast.”), I wisely decided on a hermitage in Wisconsin, The Christine Center. I tried to get into my favorite hermitage in Minnesota, The Dwelling In The Woods, but they didn’t have a two-week opening until July.

At The Christine Center, I made that subtle shift from being in an illness process to being in a healing process. This has been a long time coming.

When I first got sick, I fought it tooth and nail. And then, I suppose you could say I went through every stage of the grieving process until I got to an unsettled kind of acceptance.

During the past five (or whatever) years, I’ve danced that fine line between making the illness my identity, and simply accepting that this is what’s happening to me in the moment. Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now, saved me from the deepest, darkest dungeons of despair too many times to count.

During this time, I’ve made it my job to explore what it means to be this sick. And to be sick with a mostly invisible illness. Unless I’m in my wheelchair, I usually look pretty good. Only Jay, my spouse, has been witness to the hours, days, sometimes weeks of agony that sometimes lands me in bed moaning and crying with pain that my “pain management methods” can’t control. 

Back to February. At The Christine Center, I worked with a healer who uses Myofascial massage. She is also an amazingly happy and successful practitioner of the law of attraction, intentionality, and manifestation. She spent part of our first healing session coaching me in the language I used when I discussed the experience of this illness.

Of course, I instantly knew what she was talking about. I have been a student – and occasional teacher – of manifestation, beliefs, affirmations, and healing. I am a Reiki Master. I’ve been trained in at least a dozen methodologies of pretty far out energy healing modalities by some wonderful teachers over the past thirty years, starting from when I was 13 years old.

But I put all of that on hold when I got sick. For two reasons: 

  1. I felt a strong inner guidance that I was supposed to fully experience this particular illness and disability for some reason that would become clear in the future. I felt practically “told” to take a break from healing, myself or others until further notice.
  2. I felt worried that I’d done something wrong in my healing practice that caused me to get sick, and that I had better investigate this possibility before I continued.

I instantly started changing the way I spoke about this illness, and I created three simple affirmations that I could sort of believe.

  • “I feel good.”
  • “I am well.”
  • “I have amazing strength and energy”

Almost immediately, I started to get an inner message that it’s time to start fully experiencing the process of healing, as opposed to the process of illness. And I started to feel better.

Since then, dozens of synchronisticly mystical things have happened, including running into some of the best teachers on the planet, sometimes by book, sometimes in person (Martha Beck, Joe Vitale, James Ray, Esther Hicks, to name a few).

I saw Martha Beck in person at a bookstore reading. Went to an amazing two-day seminar co-sponsored by Joe Vitale and Mark Ryan that featured six more incredible presenters. Watched DVDs and read books that are all teach the fine art of transformation.

I’m slowly, but surely, studying all these materials. They are helping me remember that I need to remember what I’m here for. Or at least to find my “North Star” as Martha Beck puts it. 

So, if you haven’t heard from me, or I don’t return calls or emails as quickly as I should, please keep in mind that I’m in a gooish healing and learning (re-learning) process that is taking nearly all my energy. 

Please keep in touch anyway. Thank you for your patience. And I’ll try to keep you posted more regularly. 

Exciting times. Exciting times. 

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